October 18, 2009

Dear Bathroom Toilet,

Are you fucking kidding me? That was all I needed to do to make you quiet? I am shocked that it took so long for this to come out,  I really am. We have been together for almost four years now, and I thought I had tried everything to make you happy…  I wanted you to be happy so you would stop your persistent bi-weekly gargling.

I replaced the chain that pulls up the little stoppy thing, the stoppy thing itself, and even the black accordion like thing just to see if it could make you to stop making the noises you see fit to make (until I open your back tank and calmly pet your innards to calm you down). None of these things worked, and your persistence in gargling was infuriating.

The act of getting into your back tank was difficult. I had to move three candles and a box of tissues.. and then your little hose would squirt water all over me unless I held the lid of the tank in the exact right way… it was something I got used to doing but am very excited will never be done again.

As you know, two nights ago I was trying to get to sleep when you started making the noises that you do when you want me to come hang out. I was having a bad day, and was upset by your timing…it must have been weird for you to see me walk in with so much anger on my face, but I had had enough. I kicked you and I shook you and you stopped… I stayed still to see if my mind was playing tricks on me… but you had in fact stopped.

I am sorry that it came to violence, but I don’t regret shaking you. Making noise is not the right way to get attention, I will love you all the more if you just flush when I push the little knob and then fill back up with water afterwards.

I don’t want to shake or hit you again but I will if you don’t smarten up.

An optimistic,

luke vigeant.

COLES NOTES:

I found out that if I shake my bathroom toilet it stops trying to unnecessarily fill up the back tank when it’s already full. This is a pretty insignificant thing.